"10 Things We Can Learn From Japan"

Try reading this short list of "10 Things We Can Learn From Japan" and get inspired by the way they're overcoming this terrifying and tragic natural disaster. Then simply try to honor them by applying the lessons they are teaching to your life.

But before you do, ask yourself one simple question.

When your day goes to hell in a hand basket, could you check all 10 items off your list?

(See my comments under each one with what I'm hoping you get out of this email today.)

1. THE CALM
Not a single visual of chest-beating or wild grief. Sorrow itself has been elevated.

*How do you weather the storms in your life? Do you drag everyone down to the bottom of the pool as you drown, to make yourself feel better?

2. THE DIGNITY
Disciplined queues for water and groceries. Not a rough word or a crude gesture.

*How do you get what you need from those you love when you are starving for attention or feel rejected? Is what you want to get what you give?

3. THE ABILITY
The incredible architects, for instance. Buildings swayed but didn't fall.

*How strong are your relationships? Are you someone your loved ones can trust? Or are you only as good as your last rainstorm?

4. THE GRACE
People bought only what they needed for the present, so everybody could get something.

*Are you so focused on mistakes made in the past or worried about what might happen tomorrow you miss out on the joy of the day?

5. THE ORDER
No looting in shops. No honking and no overtaking on the roads. Just understanding.

*How tight do you hold on? How far do you push your loved ones to "prove" to you their love for you?

6. THE SACRIFICE
Fifty workers stayed back to pump seawater in the N-reactors. How will they ever be repaid?

*Are you selfless in your relationships or are you a horse trader only giving back exactly what you're getting?

7. THE TENDERNESS
Restaurants cut prices. An unguarded ATM is left alone. The strong cared for the weak.

*Given the opportunity to get the upper hand, do you take it? Do you value the relationship over being right?

8. THE TRAINING
The old and the children, everyone knew exactly what to do. And they did just that.

*Do you know what to do when things aren't going your way? Are you emotionally fit to handle the hard times and grow despite the challenges? What example do you set for those around you?

9. THE MEDIA
They showed magnificent restraint in the bulletins. No silly reporters. Only calm reportage.

*Does the world know your business? Is a fall from grace with you a public affair? Why?

10. THE CONSCIENCE
When the power went off in a store, people put things back on the shelves and left quietly.

*When someone you love is vulnerable, do you press your advantage to "win" so you can have what you want?


The Japanese people have humbled me with their awe-inspiring acts of everyday kindness, summing up better than I ever could, EXACTLY where I hope you'll be in your life at the end of our short journey together.

Lori R Taylor  PickTheBrain

Love Traps 101

People tend to relate to one or more of these 18 schemas. Which schema or schemas sound familiar to you?


Abandonment
People who cling to others because they're afraid of being left and don't feel important relationships will last. They're usually attracted to partners who cannot be there in a committed way.

Emotional Deprivation
Most of the time, these patients haven't had someone to nurture them, to care deeply about everything that happens to them or someone who was tuned in to their true feelings and needs.

Entitlement
Those who hate to be constrained or kept from doing what they want or feel that they shouldn't have to follow the normal rules and conventions other people do.

Defectiveness
People who think they're unworthy of the love, attention, and respect of others and believe that no matter how hard they try, they won't be able to get a significant partner to respect them or feel they are worthwhile.


Subjugation
In relationships, these people let the other person have the upper hand and worry a lot about pleasing other people so they won't be rejected.

Unrelenting Standards
People who must be the best at most of what they do and feel there is constant pressure to achieve and get things done. Their relationships suffer because they push themselves so hard.

Mistrust/Abuse
Those who feel that they cannot let their guard down in the presence of other people, or else that person will intentionally hurt them. If someone acts nicely toward them, they assume that he/she must be after something.

Self-Sacrifice
People who puts others' needs before their own, or else they feel guilty, and usually end up taking care of the people they're close to.

Social Isolation
Individuals who don't think that they relate well to other people and/or feel that they don't fit in with any sort of group.

Dependence
People who often feel helpless or aren't capable of making a decision without the aid of another person.

Vulnerability to Harm or Illness
Hypochondriacs and/or those who consistently fear that they will be involved in a catastrophe like an airplane crash or hurricane.

Enmeshment
Young's patients who have a weak sense of personal identity and habitually cling to or "mesh" with other people do so in order to feel like a complete person.

Failure
Someone who believes they will never succeed or that they're not as bright or talented as the people around them.

Insufficient Self-Control
Those who lack self-discipline and want to quit a task at the first sign of frustration or failure. (People with milder forms of this schema will give up personal satisfaction or fulfillment in order to avoid conflict or confrontation; could be described as a slacker.)

Approval Seeking
Individuals can place an extreme importance on other people's opinions and sometimes put a high level of significance on appearance and social status as a means to get attention.

Negativity
Someone who focuses on the worst parts of life (disappointments, missteps, and embarrassing moments) and might have inflated fears that they will make a mistake that will result in a personal crisis, like financial ruin.

Inhibition
People who are afraid to show emotion or, for that matter, initiate conversation—might be described as wallflowers.

Punitiveness
Those that believe even the smallest mistake deserves punishment. Usually hold themselves—and others—to very high expectations; find it hard to empathize or forgive mistakes, their own and those of others.

Take the Quiz - What's Your Schema?

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8 Simple Ways to Succeed, Relax and Live

Being stressed virtually defines ineffectiveness. We're either relaxed and focused or stressed and distracted. Our best decisions come from a calm, centered place. The paradox is that the more calmly we approach a task, the more dynamically we are operating.

Here are eight simple practices, based on timeless wisdom, that you can do alone or with your teams:

1. Recognize your real number-one priority.
This can be fun. Ask yourself (or your team) to say or write down the most important thing in their lives right now. They'll typically say their wife, kids or being at the beck and call of the CEO! Then ask them to hold their breath for two minutes!

This brings the real number-one priority into sharp focus: your next breath. Then spend a minute with your eyes closed, enjoying and savouring this free, simple, but critical energy force. Observe your breath coming in, imagine the oxygen feeding the blood and the body, breathe out any toxins or negative feelings. Let the mind and body relax. It wants to. It will.

2. Don't worry, be happy.
Energy follows thought. If there's something you're worried about, write it down in as much detail as you can. Then write down how you would like it to be. Then burn the first version. And read the new, positive outcome every day till the solution is manifest.

3. Clear out the unconscious debris.
The unconscious mind stores everything. Everything that is incomplete is demanding your energy so that it can complete itself. If we ignore this inner drive, the energy backs up on us and makes us sick and tired.
Make a complete list of all the things in your life that are incomplete, including files, emails, reports, broken shoe laces and unresolved regrets and resentments. Then either declare them complete or do what's necessary to complete it.

This can be a long project in itself, so if you don't have an ongoing "incomplete" file in your organizer, then now could be the time to start one. Simply making this list will make you feel instantly more alive and positive -- unless you stuff it in a drawer and forget it!

4. Create meaning
Life itself seems not to have intrinsic meaning. It means what we want it to mean. We have a choice. Not choosing is also a choice. The smart rat chooses a meaning that makes what he's doing more fun. Fun is healthy. Anything can be fun with the right attitude. Anything can be crap with the wrong one. We have the power. It doesn't care how we use it. Why not use it for, rather than against, ourselves?

5. Build better relationships, and risk more honesty.
There are only three simple parameters for effective, loving relationships: trust, respect and understanding.
Why should anyone trust or respect you if you don't trust or respect yourself? How can others understand you if you don't understand what you really want and how you're coming across?

Few things in life are certain. This is one of them. Every time we lie or break an agreement, we deplete our self-trust, self-respect and self-understanding. There's no choice about it. It is automatic. Guaranteed. Gravity.
The risk we take by being honest when a lie seems like the easy way out, pays dividends in ways that dramatically exceed the paltry payoffs we get from the lie or broken promise.

Promise yourself that you'll keep more promises and not make false promises, even for a day, and you will automatically improve and enhance all your relationships -- I promise.

6. Forgive yourself.
We all have expectations programmed into us from birth. All the ways we should or shouldn't behave. All the ways "they" should or shouldn't be, etc.

Most of these expectations are bullshit. We can never live up to them. They can't, either. We're all doing the best we can, making the best choices we have in our awareness, always. This is a fact. It often doesn't seem this way, but it is. So when we make mistakes, we have an opportunity to learn -- unless we make it wrong. Every time we make ourselves right or wrong, we kill our ability to learn from our experience.

We can stop this pointless and cruel way of treating ourselves and each other. It's called forgiveness. Do it as much as you can. You will feel so much better; it's such a relief to let go of pointless, futile guilt and resentment.

7. Give some money away -- with no strings.
If you really want to have some fun and liberate yourself from fear of loss, give away some money!
It doesn't need to be much. Think of creative ways to give money away anonymously. Don't do it for the approval. Just do it. Pay a stranger's bill in a restaurant, and leave. Put a quid in someone's expired parking meter. Leave the pound coin in the supermarket trolley -- everyone then can get a free push! Pay the toll for the car behind you as well. And on and on.

8. Make a microscopic change.
If you were firing a rocket at Mars, a microscopic change in the trajectory would mean, by the time it had traveled millions of miles, the enormous difference between success or failure. It's the same with changing self-destructive habits. It's often futile and stressful to attempt major changes, but tiny ones grow large over time. What habit of yours would you like to change? What microscopic step could you take that will eventually lead to success without stress?

Link to article

Self-Awareness Part Two

Why is Self Awareness Important?

“A man is but the product of his thoughts; what he thinks, he becomes.” – Gandhi

The perspective we take on the happenings of the world and our lives largely determines for us the state of our world and our being. Thus probably the most vital lesson we can learn in life is the importance of what we think.
If you think failure you will find reasons to fail and inevitably succumb to it. If you think health and wellbeing you will make the conscious decision to take the path that leads to greater health and wellbeing.
Unfortunately, many of us do not consciously choose the perspective we take. Our thoughts, which may be considered covert behavior, may simply roll with life and become conditioned by events, the media and other people around us.
If this happens we have given up our power as human beings to create our world and our life around us. In fact we are using our own power against ourselves to make ourselves feel powerless. It is impossible for us to develop and grow ourselves if we lack awareness of ourselves.

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The Art of Self Awareness

What is Self Awareness?

Self-awareness is one of those yawn-inducing phrases. Seriously, didn’t your eyes glaze over when you saw it? Maybe you even had the thought, “Geez oh man, why can’t she write about something funny today? I’m not in the mood to wade through a post about THIS! Doesn’t she know it’s a Monday?”

Or maybe you had a different thought.

Do you know what you thought was when you saw the phrase “self awareness”? Knowing your reaction to that phrase (and any other phrase) is self awareness.

When you are self aware, you are aware of your thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations and you understand them. When you are self aware, you sense how you react to the world around you—and you understand that reaction.

That’s it. It sounds easy enough, but most people are anything but self-aware. This is is probably because we live in a society that teaches us to self soothe by distracting ourselves from our inner world. The constant distraction of email, television, Facebook, Twitter, work, voice mail, idle chatter, and loud music causes many of us to be completely out of touch with our bodies, minds and emotions.

Are You Out of Touch, Too?

You might be out of touch if you:

1. Frequently get angry and don’t know why

2. Dislike various people and don’t know why

3. Are often sore (headaches, stomach aches, backaches, neck aches) and don’t know why

4. Feel as if your actions are out of your control. You find yourself doing things on autopilot—lashing out in anger, gulping down second helpings, checking email when you are supposed to be doing something else.

These are all signs that you are not aware of how your thoughts and beliefs affect your emotions and bodily sensations and vice versa.

Why Self Awareness Matters

There are many reasons, but here are just a five.

1. When you understand yourself, you can more easily understand others.

2. When you understand yourself, you can more easily and effectively communicate your needs and desires to others.

3. When you understand yourself, you can more easily understand your negative and at times scary emotions like anger, rage, hopelessness, irritability, and shame—and you will more easily find ways to do something about them.

4. When you understand yourself, you’ll be better able to solve problems in your marriage because you will better understand the role you play in those problems.

5. When you understand yourself, you find it easier to practice the arts of self-acceptance, self-control and self-leadership (parts 2, 3 and 4 of this series).

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Managing Your Emotional Triggers In A New Relationship

Let’s assume that you have started a new relationship that looks promising with someone who you care for and are attracted to. But you worry, because you know that you have tended to fall into certain patterns in some of your past relationships — and you don’t want to repeat them here. 


You may know, intellectually, how you “should” behave, but what happens if you become emotionally “triggered”? Do you have to hide who you are or what you are feeling from your partner?

This article offers a way to recognize when we start falling into counterproductive behaviors — and suggests a solution that helps us be stronger while still fully acknowledging who we are and how we feel. The old habitual behaviors can be called “acting out” while the alternative, new behaviors are “letting go” and “heroic communication”. 

The goal is not to eliminate “acting out”, which is impossible, but rather to begin to gradually introduce a new approach.

The Habitual Way: “Acting Out”

“Acting out” is defined here as the way we characteristically behave in relationships when we are emotionally triggered by fear or anger. “Acting out” is an automatic response that can take many forms, but there is usually an element of trying to control our partner and how they respond to us. 

The problem with “acting out” is that it can have the effect of pushing away the other person, which in turn may further trigger our fear and/or anger — possibly leading to an escalating downward spiral.

Examples of “Acting Out”

One classic “acting out” pattern occurs when our fears of abandonment and/or rejection are triggered and we try to directly control the other person. For example, we may become “clinging” if we sense the person is retreating in some way — or we may seek approval or reassurance in ways that alienate our partner. Ironically, our attempts to avoid feelings of abandonment, shore up our self-esteem, or avoid unpleasant feelings of rejection or disapproval can end up creating just what we fear the most.

Another common form of “acting out” is when we attempt to coerce or punish our partner as a way to get our needs met. Demanding behavior, angry outbursts, or pouting do not generally inspire another person to be more giving, particularly if we are asking for more time together or greater commitment or intimacy. 

I have heard this trap referred to as wanting to “keep them and kill them at the same time”. This is rarely a winning combination, but it is very human, and many of us can relate to this pattern.

Solution One: “Letting Go”

It may feel impossible to change how we behave when we are triggered. Change means adopting an attitude of “letting go” of control and letting the chips fall where they may. While this may make sense rationally, it may be hard to really have faith that “letting go” can help us.

Given that “letting go” is challenging, it is fortunate that we can begin by just experimenting with this new attitude, even if we only attempt the new behaviors 1% of the time and “act out” the remaining 99%. By just opening the door to the possibility of something different, we can become stronger and more committed to “letting go” in the future, particularly when we see the benefits of our new behavior.

 Examples of “Letting Go”

For those of us who find ourselves seeking reinforcement by “clinging” or looking for approval or reassurance, “letting go” may mean being able to tell ourselves that we are willing to tolerate the painful feelings of abandonment, rejection, aloneness, self-recrimination, or fear that we are inclined to look to our partners to protect us from. 

(Yet our instincts and/or experience may tell us the opposite — that these feelings are tremendously painful and to be avoided at all costs.) 

And for those of us who find ourselves “fighting” to get our partners to honor what feels like basic human needs that we long to have met, “letting go” might mean thinking: “I am willing to put aside my anger and do my best to invite my partner to meet my needs in a way that is most likely to succeed, and, if my best attempts fail, I know that I can choose to find someone else who is more compatible”. 

(But dropping our demands and anger may feel unfair, like we have been defeated or are relinquishing the best leverage we have to get what we feel we urgently need and deserve. We may think: “If they really loved me, they would surely do this for me”.)

Solution Two: Heroic Communication

Another problem with being asked to “let go” is that it sounds like we are expected to stop being who we are and feeling what we feel. So, it is important to clarify that “letting go” here means letting go of our attempts to control — not letting go of or denying our feelings.  

In fact, by truly embracing and honoring our deepest feelings and needs we become prepared to attempt another change step — the “heroic communication”. We have a “heroic communication” with our partner when we describe our dilemma and our feelings — but in a way that takes full responsibility for the problem and asks nothing of them but to listen. 

What makes it “heroic” is that we are sharing honestly with no strings attached — meaning that we are willing to accept their reaction, whatever it may be. So, the “heroic communication” is the opposite of trying to control.

This type of communication also has the advantage of inviting our partner to get to know us better, vulnerabilities and all. Without stating it directly, we end up conveying to them: “I see this as a struggle within myself, and, in this moment, I am strong enough, wise enough, and generous enough to shield you from any pressure, manipulation, or blame.” 

Timing is important, of course, since we don’t want to jump in too soon. But we shouldn’t wait too long either.

Examples of “Heroic Communication”

Here’s how a “heroic communication” might look. Let’s say that we are getting the urge to “cling” to our partner when they are about to leave on Sunday after a fun weekend together.

Rather than “act out” and try to coax them to stay longer, we could say: “I’m getting an urge to try to get you to stay longer, even though I know we’ve had a great time and we both have lots to do tonight. I have a tendency to sometimes feel a kind of fear or abandonment feeling when you leave, but I think that it is better to tell you about it rather than try to make you stay. So, if you notice that I do that sometimes, you’ll know why.”

This takes courage, of course, since we may not know how our partner will react. But if they can’t handle our abandonment fears, there are plenty of people out there who can, particularly when we have the strength to present our issues directly, without attempts to manipulate or coerce (at least some of the time, anyway). 

And in our other example, let’s say we are tempted to demand that our partner go on vacation with us. After all, our friends manage to go on vacations with their significant others, why can’t we? 

Instead, we could remember to let go of trying to control and think about what the vacation really means to us. Maybe, upon reflection, what we really want is more quality time together.

Assuming that our partner is basically there for us, we could say: “I know you don’t want to go on vacation this winter, so I think I’ll ask a friend to go instead. I realize that your not wanting to go on vacation can feel to me like you don’t care, and then I get angry. But the reality is that you do show me how much you care in so many ways... and I want you to know that I appreciate that.” 

You may not get the vacation together, but you are starting to create something you really want — the intimate connection with your partner. 

Conclusion

Hopefully these examples convey another benefit of “letting” go of our attempts to control — that our “letting go” can feel like an act of love; it is a gift to ourselves and our partners. Love is something that we all have the power to create in our relationships, and making the conscious choice to replace fear and attempts to control with “heroic” communication is a good place to begin.

Elizabeth Dickson, LCSW | Relationship Realizations™

Grow Yourself

I just found this website and it looks really interesting:
Pick the Brain: Grow Yourself