8 Simple Ways to Succeed, Relax and Live

Being stressed virtually defines ineffectiveness. We're either relaxed and focused or stressed and distracted. Our best decisions come from a calm, centered place. The paradox is that the more calmly we approach a task, the more dynamically we are operating.

Here are eight simple practices, based on timeless wisdom, that you can do alone or with your teams:

1. Recognize your real number-one priority.
This can be fun. Ask yourself (or your team) to say or write down the most important thing in their lives right now. They'll typically say their wife, kids or being at the beck and call of the CEO! Then ask them to hold their breath for two minutes!

This brings the real number-one priority into sharp focus: your next breath. Then spend a minute with your eyes closed, enjoying and savouring this free, simple, but critical energy force. Observe your breath coming in, imagine the oxygen feeding the blood and the body, breathe out any toxins or negative feelings. Let the mind and body relax. It wants to. It will.

2. Don't worry, be happy.
Energy follows thought. If there's something you're worried about, write it down in as much detail as you can. Then write down how you would like it to be. Then burn the first version. And read the new, positive outcome every day till the solution is manifest.

3. Clear out the unconscious debris.
The unconscious mind stores everything. Everything that is incomplete is demanding your energy so that it can complete itself. If we ignore this inner drive, the energy backs up on us and makes us sick and tired.
Make a complete list of all the things in your life that are incomplete, including files, emails, reports, broken shoe laces and unresolved regrets and resentments. Then either declare them complete or do what's necessary to complete it.

This can be a long project in itself, so if you don't have an ongoing "incomplete" file in your organizer, then now could be the time to start one. Simply making this list will make you feel instantly more alive and positive -- unless you stuff it in a drawer and forget it!

4. Create meaning
Life itself seems not to have intrinsic meaning. It means what we want it to mean. We have a choice. Not choosing is also a choice. The smart rat chooses a meaning that makes what he's doing more fun. Fun is healthy. Anything can be fun with the right attitude. Anything can be crap with the wrong one. We have the power. It doesn't care how we use it. Why not use it for, rather than against, ourselves?

5. Build better relationships, and risk more honesty.
There are only three simple parameters for effective, loving relationships: trust, respect and understanding.
Why should anyone trust or respect you if you don't trust or respect yourself? How can others understand you if you don't understand what you really want and how you're coming across?

Few things in life are certain. This is one of them. Every time we lie or break an agreement, we deplete our self-trust, self-respect and self-understanding. There's no choice about it. It is automatic. Guaranteed. Gravity.
The risk we take by being honest when a lie seems like the easy way out, pays dividends in ways that dramatically exceed the paltry payoffs we get from the lie or broken promise.

Promise yourself that you'll keep more promises and not make false promises, even for a day, and you will automatically improve and enhance all your relationships -- I promise.

6. Forgive yourself.
We all have expectations programmed into us from birth. All the ways we should or shouldn't behave. All the ways "they" should or shouldn't be, etc.

Most of these expectations are bullshit. We can never live up to them. They can't, either. We're all doing the best we can, making the best choices we have in our awareness, always. This is a fact. It often doesn't seem this way, but it is. So when we make mistakes, we have an opportunity to learn -- unless we make it wrong. Every time we make ourselves right or wrong, we kill our ability to learn from our experience.

We can stop this pointless and cruel way of treating ourselves and each other. It's called forgiveness. Do it as much as you can. You will feel so much better; it's such a relief to let go of pointless, futile guilt and resentment.

7. Give some money away -- with no strings.
If you really want to have some fun and liberate yourself from fear of loss, give away some money!
It doesn't need to be much. Think of creative ways to give money away anonymously. Don't do it for the approval. Just do it. Pay a stranger's bill in a restaurant, and leave. Put a quid in someone's expired parking meter. Leave the pound coin in the supermarket trolley -- everyone then can get a free push! Pay the toll for the car behind you as well. And on and on.

8. Make a microscopic change.
If you were firing a rocket at Mars, a microscopic change in the trajectory would mean, by the time it had traveled millions of miles, the enormous difference between success or failure. It's the same with changing self-destructive habits. It's often futile and stressful to attempt major changes, but tiny ones grow large over time. What habit of yours would you like to change? What microscopic step could you take that will eventually lead to success without stress?

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Self-Awareness Part Two

Why is Self Awareness Important?

“A man is but the product of his thoughts; what he thinks, he becomes.” – Gandhi

The perspective we take on the happenings of the world and our lives largely determines for us the state of our world and our being. Thus probably the most vital lesson we can learn in life is the importance of what we think.
If you think failure you will find reasons to fail and inevitably succumb to it. If you think health and wellbeing you will make the conscious decision to take the path that leads to greater health and wellbeing.
Unfortunately, many of us do not consciously choose the perspective we take. Our thoughts, which may be considered covert behavior, may simply roll with life and become conditioned by events, the media and other people around us.
If this happens we have given up our power as human beings to create our world and our life around us. In fact we are using our own power against ourselves to make ourselves feel powerless. It is impossible for us to develop and grow ourselves if we lack awareness of ourselves.

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The Art of Self Awareness

What is Self Awareness?

Self-awareness is one of those yawn-inducing phrases. Seriously, didn’t your eyes glaze over when you saw it? Maybe you even had the thought, “Geez oh man, why can’t she write about something funny today? I’m not in the mood to wade through a post about THIS! Doesn’t she know it’s a Monday?”

Or maybe you had a different thought.

Do you know what you thought was when you saw the phrase “self awareness”? Knowing your reaction to that phrase (and any other phrase) is self awareness.

When you are self aware, you are aware of your thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations and you understand them. When you are self aware, you sense how you react to the world around you—and you understand that reaction.

That’s it. It sounds easy enough, but most people are anything but self-aware. This is is probably because we live in a society that teaches us to self soothe by distracting ourselves from our inner world. The constant distraction of email, television, Facebook, Twitter, work, voice mail, idle chatter, and loud music causes many of us to be completely out of touch with our bodies, minds and emotions.

Are You Out of Touch, Too?

You might be out of touch if you:

1. Frequently get angry and don’t know why

2. Dislike various people and don’t know why

3. Are often sore (headaches, stomach aches, backaches, neck aches) and don’t know why

4. Feel as if your actions are out of your control. You find yourself doing things on autopilot—lashing out in anger, gulping down second helpings, checking email when you are supposed to be doing something else.

These are all signs that you are not aware of how your thoughts and beliefs affect your emotions and bodily sensations and vice versa.

Why Self Awareness Matters

There are many reasons, but here are just a five.

1. When you understand yourself, you can more easily understand others.

2. When you understand yourself, you can more easily and effectively communicate your needs and desires to others.

3. When you understand yourself, you can more easily understand your negative and at times scary emotions like anger, rage, hopelessness, irritability, and shame—and you will more easily find ways to do something about them.

4. When you understand yourself, you’ll be better able to solve problems in your marriage because you will better understand the role you play in those problems.

5. When you understand yourself, you find it easier to practice the arts of self-acceptance, self-control and self-leadership (parts 2, 3 and 4 of this series).

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Managing Your Emotional Triggers In A New Relationship

Let’s assume that you have started a new relationship that looks promising with someone who you care for and are attracted to. But you worry, because you know that you have tended to fall into certain patterns in some of your past relationships — and you don’t want to repeat them here. 


You may know, intellectually, how you “should” behave, but what happens if you become emotionally “triggered”? Do you have to hide who you are or what you are feeling from your partner?

This article offers a way to recognize when we start falling into counterproductive behaviors — and suggests a solution that helps us be stronger while still fully acknowledging who we are and how we feel. The old habitual behaviors can be called “acting out” while the alternative, new behaviors are “letting go” and “heroic communication”. 

The goal is not to eliminate “acting out”, which is impossible, but rather to begin to gradually introduce a new approach.

The Habitual Way: “Acting Out”

“Acting out” is defined here as the way we characteristically behave in relationships when we are emotionally triggered by fear or anger. “Acting out” is an automatic response that can take many forms, but there is usually an element of trying to control our partner and how they respond to us. 

The problem with “acting out” is that it can have the effect of pushing away the other person, which in turn may further trigger our fear and/or anger — possibly leading to an escalating downward spiral.

Examples of “Acting Out”

One classic “acting out” pattern occurs when our fears of abandonment and/or rejection are triggered and we try to directly control the other person. For example, we may become “clinging” if we sense the person is retreating in some way — or we may seek approval or reassurance in ways that alienate our partner. Ironically, our attempts to avoid feelings of abandonment, shore up our self-esteem, or avoid unpleasant feelings of rejection or disapproval can end up creating just what we fear the most.

Another common form of “acting out” is when we attempt to coerce or punish our partner as a way to get our needs met. Demanding behavior, angry outbursts, or pouting do not generally inspire another person to be more giving, particularly if we are asking for more time together or greater commitment or intimacy. 

I have heard this trap referred to as wanting to “keep them and kill them at the same time”. This is rarely a winning combination, but it is very human, and many of us can relate to this pattern.

Solution One: “Letting Go”

It may feel impossible to change how we behave when we are triggered. Change means adopting an attitude of “letting go” of control and letting the chips fall where they may. While this may make sense rationally, it may be hard to really have faith that “letting go” can help us.

Given that “letting go” is challenging, it is fortunate that we can begin by just experimenting with this new attitude, even if we only attempt the new behaviors 1% of the time and “act out” the remaining 99%. By just opening the door to the possibility of something different, we can become stronger and more committed to “letting go” in the future, particularly when we see the benefits of our new behavior.

 Examples of “Letting Go”

For those of us who find ourselves seeking reinforcement by “clinging” or looking for approval or reassurance, “letting go” may mean being able to tell ourselves that we are willing to tolerate the painful feelings of abandonment, rejection, aloneness, self-recrimination, or fear that we are inclined to look to our partners to protect us from. 

(Yet our instincts and/or experience may tell us the opposite — that these feelings are tremendously painful and to be avoided at all costs.) 

And for those of us who find ourselves “fighting” to get our partners to honor what feels like basic human needs that we long to have met, “letting go” might mean thinking: “I am willing to put aside my anger and do my best to invite my partner to meet my needs in a way that is most likely to succeed, and, if my best attempts fail, I know that I can choose to find someone else who is more compatible”. 

(But dropping our demands and anger may feel unfair, like we have been defeated or are relinquishing the best leverage we have to get what we feel we urgently need and deserve. We may think: “If they really loved me, they would surely do this for me”.)

Solution Two: Heroic Communication

Another problem with being asked to “let go” is that it sounds like we are expected to stop being who we are and feeling what we feel. So, it is important to clarify that “letting go” here means letting go of our attempts to control — not letting go of or denying our feelings.  

In fact, by truly embracing and honoring our deepest feelings and needs we become prepared to attempt another change step — the “heroic communication”. We have a “heroic communication” with our partner when we describe our dilemma and our feelings — but in a way that takes full responsibility for the problem and asks nothing of them but to listen. 

What makes it “heroic” is that we are sharing honestly with no strings attached — meaning that we are willing to accept their reaction, whatever it may be. So, the “heroic communication” is the opposite of trying to control.

This type of communication also has the advantage of inviting our partner to get to know us better, vulnerabilities and all. Without stating it directly, we end up conveying to them: “I see this as a struggle within myself, and, in this moment, I am strong enough, wise enough, and generous enough to shield you from any pressure, manipulation, or blame.” 

Timing is important, of course, since we don’t want to jump in too soon. But we shouldn’t wait too long either.

Examples of “Heroic Communication”

Here’s how a “heroic communication” might look. Let’s say that we are getting the urge to “cling” to our partner when they are about to leave on Sunday after a fun weekend together.

Rather than “act out” and try to coax them to stay longer, we could say: “I’m getting an urge to try to get you to stay longer, even though I know we’ve had a great time and we both have lots to do tonight. I have a tendency to sometimes feel a kind of fear or abandonment feeling when you leave, but I think that it is better to tell you about it rather than try to make you stay. So, if you notice that I do that sometimes, you’ll know why.”

This takes courage, of course, since we may not know how our partner will react. But if they can’t handle our abandonment fears, there are plenty of people out there who can, particularly when we have the strength to present our issues directly, without attempts to manipulate or coerce (at least some of the time, anyway). 

And in our other example, let’s say we are tempted to demand that our partner go on vacation with us. After all, our friends manage to go on vacations with their significant others, why can’t we? 

Instead, we could remember to let go of trying to control and think about what the vacation really means to us. Maybe, upon reflection, what we really want is more quality time together.

Assuming that our partner is basically there for us, we could say: “I know you don’t want to go on vacation this winter, so I think I’ll ask a friend to go instead. I realize that your not wanting to go on vacation can feel to me like you don’t care, and then I get angry. But the reality is that you do show me how much you care in so many ways... and I want you to know that I appreciate that.” 

You may not get the vacation together, but you are starting to create something you really want — the intimate connection with your partner. 

Conclusion

Hopefully these examples convey another benefit of “letting” go of our attempts to control — that our “letting go” can feel like an act of love; it is a gift to ourselves and our partners. Love is something that we all have the power to create in our relationships, and making the conscious choice to replace fear and attempts to control with “heroic” communication is a good place to begin.

Elizabeth Dickson, LCSW | Relationship Realizations™

Grow Yourself

I just found this website and it looks really interesting:
Pick the Brain: Grow Yourself

Love Myths

De Vegh suggests we create abundant lives for ourselves, and subscribes to what she calls the salad theory. "Just as a salad needs some lettuce, a little tomato, cucumber, this and that, a full life involves friends, work, arts, and community. When I ask clients, 'What do you believe you can only get from him?' they say, 'He's so interested, he listens to me, he thinks I'm special, we do things together.' We can do things with zillions of people. Why is it that only he can get you doing things?

"There's no scarcity of love," she says. "We can find it with our coworkers, with our friends and families, in our dance class. We can love what the world offers us; we can love our own vitality. And without question, there can be passionate love between a man and a woman, where you open your heart and soul and you can be yourself—your 7-year-old self, your 30-year-old self, your 60-year-old self. And he can say, 'I get you, and here I am. Sometimes I act like a spoiled brat, and sometimes I'm a straight-up guy.'" But the relationship has to be an "emotional peership" between partners who are already working toward becoming fuller and fuller individuals.

Such a union requires both heart and mind, which is why de Vegh is wary of unexamined attraction. "Often what we call chemistry is a mix of familiarity and anxiety, and it can be an excuse for not having to think," she says. "Feelings are great, but we also have brains so we can decide what to do with those feelings. Now when someone comes into my office and says, 'Oh, we looked at each other, and I so knew this man,' I think that maybe what she recognized was, for instance, the withholding narcissism of her father. If we really had such good parents that we felt filled up with self-respect and the ability to engage in the world, we wouldn't be waiting to be bowled over by chemistry. We'd be saying, 'Oh, you look like a good and interesting person. Here's what I think about the world; what do you think?' We wouldn't be looking to get our needs met. Adults meet their own needs."

Having seen so many women devastated by the end of an affair—"They feel they've failed, and that the halo they were given is gone"—de Vegh is adamant that we not label ourselves as losers in love. "At the church I used to go to, they always said faith enters through a wound. I think wisdom comes through our wounds, that our wounds have to turn into our blessings," she says. "They make us soft and aware so we can say, 'Oh, yes, I learned that.' If it turns out that you and your partner have a different view of reality, that's good to know. You can honor that, and find someone who shares your view. If you're losing yourself in a relationship and he has all the power, it's important to take the self-respecting action of leaving and learning from the experience."

The best thing that can happen after a breakup is that you declare, I give up any hope of ever being parented the way I wish I'd been when I was a child. "You might have to grieve for that loss," she says. "And there will be moments in a healthy partnership when you can say, 'I'm brain-dead and hysterical. Draw me a bath and put in some rubber duckies.'" But that's temporary. We have to give up the longing to be the child in the relationship, she says. The good news is that once we do, we're free to find love that's genuinely pleasure based.

"We each have a potential song in us," de Vegh says—one that can find its unique expression after we drop the sour chord of scarcity, dependency, and fear.

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-Love-Works-Healthy-Relationships/2

Radical Romance

"In fact," says Person, "all love has this internal dynamic between togetherness and oneness, and independence and separateness. I think that for a love affair to flourish, there have to be independent interests that can be shared, as well as interests that are the same. One person described it well in talking about his parents. He said they were looking out in the same direction instead of always staring into each other's eyes. Intense physical passion waxes and wanes. Once you've had it, it can always come back. But what sustains you in between is having something that interests you both enough that you can share it, talk about it, do it together."

A confession: My husband and I have had some of our biggest arguments about which video to watch. Mention the Three Stooges if you want to see my hackles rise.

"Well, you have to pick your fights," Person says, confessing that she herself is perfectly capable of fighting to the death over the color to paint a bedroom. "Look, in any good relationship there have to be bursts of anger and disagreement. And in those moments, if somebody asked, 'Are you in love?' you'd say, 'Are you kidding me?' But those become part and parcel of the journey. We have the capacity to repair relationships—it's like having a scratch that heals. In other words, our psychological makeup has built-in healing mechanisms the same way our body does. You have to have enough conviction in the strength of the bond that you can risk some disagreement. You have to be able to take a hit."

A tall order if you're already one of the walking wounded. Having grown up with parents whose fights were soul shattering, I thought relationship was a code word for pain. Giving up that preconception felt like a giant leap into the dark. It took years of dead-end love affairs (and a healthy dose of therapy) to push me over the edge. I not only had to find someone who could love me, I finally realized, I had to take the risk of loving him back.

That's the kind of risk Ethel Person fully approves of. "People are so different in their ability to let go. They need to know in the back of their minds that if it doesn't work, it's not the end of the world. If I sorrow for anyone, it's for someone who has never rolled the dice, rather than for someone who has rolled the dice and lost a hand or two."

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When Love Gets Lonely

A patient I'll call Kyra spent her therapy sessions talking about how disappointed she was with her husband. "Sometimes he feels so far away," she complained. The couple did not seem to have sexual problems, and the time she spent with him still made her happy; there was just not enough of it. Sitting in my office, Kyra was confused. Loneliness was not what she expected from her three-year-old marriage. "If this was a good relationship," she said, "I wouldn't feel this way." But it was hard for me to see how the marriage could be much better without completely changing the personalities of the hard-working husband and sensitive wife.

"I just don't want to feel second," Kyra insisted, as she told me how upset she got when her husband interrupted dinner to take a phone call from his cousin. It reminded her of how she used to feel when she was a child and her mother and sister would talk animatedly with each other. She would tug on her mother's sleeve but be ignored. She thought those feelings of being neglected were behind her—she had found the man she loved, and he was her friend as well as her lover. But now she was filled with doubt.

The dawning of loneliness is a very strange time in a relationship. It can be a sign that something is wrong—but this is not always the case. One of the age-old truths about love is that while it offers unparalleled opportunities for union and the lifting of ego boundaries, it also washes us up on the shores of the loved one's otherness. Sooner or later, love makes us feel inescapably separate.

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The Two Simple Ways to Upgrade Your Relationship

After months of trying to analyze our way into a better marriage, Helen decided unilaterally to change the way she communicated with me. She flooded me with praise. It was as if she put on new glasses that magnified the good in our relationship and obscured the problems.

I began to believe her propaganda and found myself acting in a more caring manner. Ironically, we had taught this process, called positive flooding, to thousands of couples but had not used it consistently ourselves. After a month she told me what she'd been doing, and I agreed to do the same. Now a year later, we've noticed that many problems have receded. We see the areas that still need work as challenges to be tackled as partners rather than as adversaries.

We were guided by two principles that can help you transform your relationship. First principle: Energy follows attention. Every time you "invest" in the negative, you are honing your ability to detect faults. Your energy amplifies the annoying and the fragile, and you create the conditions that allow your problems to grow like weeds in an unkempt field.

Second principle: Problems cannot be solved at the same level of consciousness at which they were created. We form our ideas about relationships in our connection to our parents, and when our needs aren't met, we cry, sulk, or even rebel. If we still don't get what we want, we experience what could be called a wound, and we create a defense against being wounded again, such as withdrawing emotionally or escalating our demands.

When we are ready for adult commitment, more often than not, our unconscious mind selects someone who has positive and negative traits similar to those of our parents in order to have another chance to heal ourselves. All too often, though, we end up reliving the patterns that hurt us in the first place. And as we did when we were children, we let our frustrations be known—only this time, we express the pain with criticism. We use negative transactions to try to effect positive outcomes. It never works.

Although it's not possible to be everything for your partner, knowing the role your backgrounds play in the relationship helps you move from "What's your problem?" to "How can I help?"

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